Monday, December 15, 2008

The Baltimore Drive-by, Part IV: Thus spake Ali

Fictional characters John McFetridge and Declan Burke set out from Toronto to Baltimore for the Bouchercon crime writers' convention. A character loosely based on Peter Rozovsky is headed the same way. Burke and McFetridge hold up stores, Rozovsky holds up Burke and McFetridge, and soon the only question is — Who's chasing who!!!!
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"A knob," he said, annoyed, "is a COCK — you knobs."

Laughter floated out over the Inner Harbor. "I cannot — cannot! — understand why these tossers have carried on the way they do about bloody boxes of sodding books. Can they not get more?"

"Must be something special in the books."

"Must be something special in the boxes!"

"And who are these knobs anyhow? Declan Burke? Jonathan McFetridge?"

"John."

"What?"

"John McFetridge, not Jonathan. He's Canadian, Burke is Irish. They're crime writers, in town for Bouchercon."

"Do we know anything about them? Pass me that newspaper."

"Oh, you won't find anything in there." I walked over from the bench where I'd been eavesdropping. "I'm Peter Rozovsky, soon-to-be-ex-copy editor for the Baltimore Gazette. The culture reporter is filling in on night police duty and clerical work this week. No one's covering Bouchercon."

"That's a bloody outrage! This is a big event. Big!" He brought a meaty fist down on the metal patio table. Silverware jumped. "What kind of bloody fucking tossers run this newspaper of yours anyway?"

"You got a few hours?"
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(Read all of "The Baltimore Drive-by" so far here or here. And remember: This is fiction. Almost none of it really happened.)

© Peter Rozovsky 2008

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17 Comments:

Blogger Uriah Robinson said...

Your language has gone quite pear-shaped since you visited Ireland, Peter. ;O)

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Loren Eaton said...

"You got a few hours?"

Hee, hee ...

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Ali Karim said...

I have been enjoying this, and today I spat my coffee across the table.....in laughter

The writing is Top Cock, bloody funny and a few knobs thrown in for good measure never hurts!

Wiffle on

Ali

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Linkmeister said...

I sincerely hope the "soon-to-be-ex" part is untrue!

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

Uriah, I don't want to stir up any old political antagonisms, but I picked up a number of these low but colorful expressions from an Englishman -- thought that Englishman would probably try to fob off responsibility on some fictional character.

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Uriah Robinson said...

Not me!
Although you might have heard these expressions shouted at me by motorists as I drive [too] slowly on Devon's winding roads. They are always very friendly waving two fingers, their fists, or one finger as they speed past shouting their greetings.

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

Thanks, Linkmeister, but the fictional character's real-life counterpart cannot help but hope that it is true, though on his own terms. This may not be the case with his fictional creation.

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

Loren Eaton said...

"You got a few hours?"

Hee, hee ...


Nothing like giving a fictional character motive.

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

Ali, my day is complete if I can make just one person spew his coffee. Many thanks!

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

No, Uriah, not you. Your comportment has always been impeccable, and your fellow drivers must have managed to hold their tongues when I was in Devon. I heard not a single word that would make a maiden aunt blush.

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

Ali, I suspect my caper may take on intercontinental dimensions. The tale's narrator tells me he may set a chapter or two in Bristol next spring.

December 15, 2008  
Blogger John McFetridge said...

In the boxes you say....

Hmmmmmm....

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

I can't even discuss the bo

December 15, 2008  
Blogger Ali Karim said...

Hey, Peter is you make Bristol next year, we'll have a ball or three!

That's made my day - hanging out with you was very cool

Now more coffee

Ali

December 16, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

Yep, I'm leaning strongly toward Bristol.

Now, try not to spit your coffee.

December 16, 2008  
Blogger Donna said...

Peter - you definitely have to come to Bristol!
Donna

December 16, 2008  
Blogger Peter Rozovsky said...

OK, that's two votes. I think I'll take another look at the convention's Web site this week.

December 16, 2008  

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